Drive Thrus, Doritos and the Fall of Western Civilization

Well I was going to write about how lazy we’ve become in today’s society but I took a nap instead. That was three days ago. So here I am finally getting around to writing this blog again. Hang on while I go grab a sandwich…and another nap

There…all rested and sandwiched up and ready to go. So yes, lazy! Boy oh boy are we lazy today as a society. It’s out of control. I can’t really speak for other countries so much, but I know right here in Canada, and definitely in the U.S.A., we’re giving the sloth a run for his money. Hell, we’re giving stationary inanimate objects a run for their money. I’ve seen pylons that lead more healthy and active lifestyles than some people I know. There is a lazy epidemic upon us and it’s going to get worse. I fully expect to see an iPhone appl that wipes your ass for you within the year.

Everyone has their lazy moments. Some more than others but we’re all guilty of it at some point. I mean, I try to stay active and make sure I exercise. In fact, I still use my old Tae Bo VHS tapes. Jealous? Billy Blanks runs a tough work out my friends. You can be kicking and punching and jabbing and it’s NEVER good enough for him! He always needs one more set. And he never does even sets. You spend the whole exercise class cussing out Billy Blanks because he only did five sets on the right side and here you are, well into your seventh set on the left side - thighs burning while he rambles on about staying strong and giving it everything you got!  Blow it our your ass, Blanks! It's amazing the amount of hateful shit you can think about someone who is trying to help you get into shape. So yes, I exercise – unevenly apparently – but I exercise nonetheless. Having said that, I’ve also DRIVEN to the gym. Yes, that would be the gym that’s a five minute walk down the street. But hey, once I get there I take the stairs with pride and smugly shun the elevator like it was a slutty ex-girlfriend. Having said that, it’s not been unheard of for me to drive to Dairy Queen to get ice cream after I’ve hit the gym. I don’t know if the Dairy Queen thing is lazy so much as it is counterproductive. It doesn’t matter. Waffle bowl sundaes are tasty beyond measure.

Anyway, let’s move into the obvious. To be blunt, um…why are there so many fat kids around these days? I could be delicate and call them tubby or chubby or portly, but some of these poor kids are down right gigantic. You get enough of the husky little darlings together on a jungle gym and they can create a partial eclipse of the sun. But it’s not their fault. I’m pointing the finger squarely at the parents. Not that the parents will notice much as I suspect they will have their noses firmly planted in a bag of Doritos. Yes, my finger pointing and angry scowls shall go unnoticed through a cloud of nacho cheesy goodness. When I was growing up there was the one fat kid and maybe a couple chubby ones in school. Now they’re almost all "the fat kid". Do the skinny kids get picked on at school because now they’re the outcasts? Something has to change here. When an 8 year old child has to take a nap after struggling into his snow pants, something is dreadfully wrong! I mean have you ever walked into the hallway of an elementary school just before recess in the winter time? Dozens of little meatballs writhing on the floor looking like sumo wrestlers trying to squeeze into Kate Moss’ skinny jeans. Except they’re not sumo wrestlers, they’re grade threes and they’re not skinny jeans, they’re freakin snow pants. Honest to Betsy I’ve seen 10 year olds who after climbing a flight of stairs are wheezing like a 95 year old coal miner with black lung.

Laziness could be a cultural thing too. We’ve gotten pretty lazy in the West or in “developed” nations. I mean, just recently I saw photos of farmers in China taking their cows to market by attaching themselves AND their cows to zip lines and pulling themselves across rivers and gorges. Forget about the 20 miles that the farmer had to walk after he got across the river. I on the other hand, cleaned my shower the other day by spraying some bubbly foam all over it and then doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE. Didn’t lift a finger. I walked away and those little bubbles did the rest. Lazy. Then you look at some African nations where women walk for miles through the most inhospitable terrain on the planet carrying 20 pound buckets of drinking water on their heads. I on the other hand left the tap in kitchen running for a few minutes to get the water nice and cold because I didn’t feel like using the last of the ice cubes because then I would have to refill ALL the ice cube trays and then put them ALL back in the freezer and the water jug in the fridge was almost empty and I didn’t have time to fill it up AND get a glass of water during the commercial break. Oh, and I had just gotten a real good ass groove going in the couch. So really, what was I to do? I know, I know. I’m a lazy bastard who would have died of thirst or been suffocated by cow farts as I dangled from a zip line if I lived anywhere else in the world. Think of rice farmers in Southeast Asia – standing ankle deep in water, bent over, breaking their backs for hours on end harvesting rice. Back home there’s gridlock and traffic mayhem surrounding every Tim Horton’s in the country every weekday morning because God forbid anyone should leave the comfort of their vehicle and actually WALK into to the store to buy their coffee. Especially when they’ve got a really good ass groove going in the driver’s seat.

Which reminds me; I don’t know what’s it’s like where you live, but where I live we have this interesting phenomenon at grocery stores. Do you ever notice the people who don’t actually park in a parking space, but park NEXT to the spaces closest to the entrance or park right next to the door? These are the people that snarl up traffic because they’re essentially parked in the driveway and not the parking lot. Most of them leave the car running while they’re inside too. I can see their point though, really. Who wants to waste 45 whole seconds walking into the store when you can do it in 10 by parking illegally? And who wants to waste all those precious calories turning the car back on when you can just as easily let it idle and choke all the cart corral boys with noxious fumes? I’m fairly sure some people won’t be happy until they can actually park inside the store and leave the car running. First guy I see parked in the cereal isle is getting a box of Lucky Charms across the snout. Let’s not forget all the husbands outside doing the Sobey's 500. These are the Jeff Gordon wannabees who drop their wives off at the entrance and then circle the parking lot for the next ten minutes while the wife picks up snacks for her bridge tournament at the Legion. Again, who wants to waste all that energy shifting the car into park? That’s energy they’ll need to place their order at the Tim Horton’s drive-thru. I bet I could make some good money if I started a pit crew to service these bozos as they endlessly lap the grocery store. Naw, that would take too much time and effort. I have an ass groove to think about.

We’re lazy in many ways though. It’s more than just inactivity. Sometimes we make lazy choices. We go for the easiest choice because it will save us work. Take for example the NBC executive who decided that we needed Kathy Lee Gifford back on television. Mercifully she left Live with Regis and Kathy Lee a number of years ago to raise her children and for some bizarre reason, release a CD with “all your favorite hits” that's only available through this “special television offer. Kathy Lee singing Que Sera Sera? No thanks. I’ll just repeatedly ram a sharp stick coated in the venom of a yet-to-be-identified species of poisonous snake into my ear drums instead. Anyway, with the kids grown up and I assume, no longer speaking to her, we’re graced with her presence once again. For those of you who don’t know, she’s now hosting some kind of second half or part 2 of the Today show weekday mornings. Oh goody. Consider for a moment, the thought process this NBC executive had to go through to arrive at a decision to put Kathy Lee Gifford back on the air. Let’s call him, Jim. So Jim’s boss comes in one day and says, “Jim, we’re adding a second segment to the Today show. We need someone young, hip, upbeat and charming to co-host the show. Someone to reel in viewers and keep them locked in and entertained through the mid morning hours. Someone we can groom and mold to our liking. Someone who can someday proudly carry the Today Show torch in the future. Someone to deliver big ratings! Dammit, Jim - we want you to find that someone!” Jim sits quietly in his office with this new assignment in front of him. The only explanation I can come up with is that the Rolodex on Jim’s desk was open to the letter G. Jim looks down, sees Kathy Lee’s name scribbled in there from roughly 1989 and says, “Screw it. I’ve got dinner plans tonight. Kathy Lee used to be on the boob tube. I’ll give her a shout.” And that’s that. Jim picks up the phone and the rest of us are subjected to Kathy Lee Gifford. Again. There’s no other logical explanation besides pure laziness on Jim’s part. I mean was there some kind of “Bring Back Kathy Lee” Facebook group that I was painfully unaware of? Can we really imagine Jim sitting there and thinking that this was the best decision for everyone involved? “I know what will put NBC back on top and bring peace and harmony back to the universe: Kathy Lee Gifford! Everyone loves her! There can’t possibly be anyone more talented or qualified than her! Eureka! I just saved the network!” No, Jim was simply being a lazy bastard. Thanks, Jim. We’d all like to thank you for doing more good for weekday mornings since the alarm clock.

So why are we so lazy? Well I can’t point to the exact factors, but I think I know who is behind it. It’s a conspiracy. It’s a diabolical plan of epic proportions being carried out by two trusted and therefore, unlikely villains. That’s right - Hal Johnson and Joanne McLeod! Those two have milked that Body Break/Participaction gig for decades! If everyone suddenly gets into shape and ups their activity levels, those two are out of a job. I don’t know if the Freemasons or Illuminati are in on it too, but I’m pretty sure Johnson and McLeod are the ring leaders. Dan Brown is going to have a field day writing the book on this one.

So I don’t know what the solution is to our lazy problem. I’m going to do my part though. No more driving to the gym and I promise to fill the ice cube trays right away. Maybe not though. I mean, if Hal and Joanne find out they might take me out. And frankly, getting an ass kicking from the Body Break duo would be far more detrimental to my health and reputation than any degree of laziness that I could come up with. I could really go for another nap right about now but that would mean hauling my butt off this really good ass groove that I have going in my computer chair. Hal and Joanne would be proud. I’m safe for another day.