As I write this we’re about a month into the year 2010 – a full decade into the twenty first century. And at this point in the history of the world I think I can now confidently categorize the majority of the people on the planet into two groups: those who truly believe that others care what they have to say, and those who don’t own computers. I’m as guilty as the next person. Even as I write this – on a computer no less – I’m assuming that some of you out there must be hanging on every word I write. Me being a selfish bastard aside, the problem I speak of is running rampant – more rampant than say, celebrity DUI’s and Kate Gosselin’s hair.
The guilty parties can be found on your local Facebook page or on any website that allows readers to post comments. Just take a look. If you’ve been living anywhere but in a cave on Pluto – you’ll be aware of these groups of people. I say groups because these people fall into various categories. I’m sure there are all kinds of subcategories and branches of the same species much like Neanderthals – but I’ll just tackle the big ones for now. Group number 1…
“Facebook Bitchers”. This is a group of people who should probably be captured, tagged and set free in the wild so we can study how whiney little meatheads will react when removed from their natural habitat. All you Facebook users will know the type I mean. The ones who each and every day feel the need to let their 1200 or so “friends” know that they have yet again had a poor nights sleep, had a bad day at work or (if you can believe this, I ACTUALLY saw this one) got a “really bad yeast infection”. Sweet Jiminy Christmas! I’m as curious as the next guy. I mean I watch Discovery channel, but sometimes you just don’t need personal info – especially info about infections…involving yeast.
Hang on a minute here. I think I’ve found my first subcategory. Within the Facebook Bitcher category there is the “Uninformative Facebook Bitcher”. They’re the ones who are bitching but nobody knows what the hell for. They post really vague statuses purely to elicit sympathy. You know the kind – “Pamela is just so mad right now. Some people really have no manners!” Well that’s fantastic Pamela. It’s true, some people have no manners. Some people also have no idea what you are talking about. But hey, thanks for sharing and bringing the rest of us down while you’re at it. Why don’t you just invite us over to watch Steel Magnolias and Beaches then squirt lemon juice in our eyes? Then EVERYONE can be miserable! We’ll be one big, miserable, vague, bitching Facebook family.
Then of course there are the Facebook parents – or the fountains of too much information if you will. Now every parent should be proud of their child. I don’t have children but I’m extremely proud of my dog. It is without question better than every other dog on the planet in every respect. I don’t know if that’s true, but I believe it. And I think parents should believe in their children in a similar manner. Having said that, there needs to be a line drawn here people. New mothers - you get a free pass for about 6 months or so. Post whatever the hell you want and as many pictures as you want. Congrats! Hope the hormones come back into check soon. The rest of you need to chill out. We, the people on the receiving end of your endless photo parades and relentless status updates on every event in your children’s life from blinking their eyes to ill-timed vomiting incidents, can only handle so much. We will never write back and say, “You know what Rita? Your children really are better than mine. And not just mine. Better than all children of the world! By all means keep me updated on when little Herman’s next Cub Scout meeting is. I really thought that 700 pictures of the little Herm-meister playing Xbox with icing on his face were plenty – but not anymore. Let’s fill another 600,000-700,000 megabytes with images of little ole’ Herman. In fact, let’s see if we can get his picture placed next to the phrase “freaking adorable” in the dictionary. I’ll start the letter writing campaign!” In reality it’s more likely that I’m crafting the following letter in my head:
Dear person I haven’t seen in a decade or more,
I’m so ferociously happy that you are proud of your children. It truly shows that you’re a good, caring parent. Lord knows we need more people with your type of parental credentials. Having said that, I can’t possibly see why you feel the need to tell me and the 700 other Facebook friends who have never met your spouse and never even knew you had children, that your 6 year old won his hockey game today. I mean, that information is not even useful in my fantasy hockey pool. At least tack on a tip for who you think I should start in nets this week. At the very, very least say something that might possibly be somewhat relevant to more than 0.00063 percent of the population.
“You cranky, cynical bastard!” some of you may think. Perhaps. But come on! I know some of you out there feel the bile pushed to the tip of your throat when you read a Facebook status that says something like, “Jennifer is proud of Tyler
Let’s not forget the A.D.D. Facebooker. These are the folks who believe their lives to be so interesting that they feel the need to let the rest of the world know what they are doing every 7 to 8 minutes. Brian is washing his hair. Brian is going for lunch. Brian is digesting. Brian is thinking about the digestive process after that tasty lunch. Brian is breathing oxygen. Hey Brian – get a freakin’ life! Stop writing crap on your Facebook and go do something productive. I suppose the exact same could be said about Tweeters. The whole idea of Twitter is so insanely self important, what else can I really say about it? Two million people reading that Ashton Kutcher had Bran Flakes this morning? No thanks.
Why in our twisted little heads do we believe that others could truly care about our mundane, every day activities? I suppose with blogs, and Facebook and Twitter everyone has been given their own voice - their own little corner of the “world wide web” to trumpet from their cyber soap box. Look, I’m all for it so long as what you have to say is more exciting than say, an episode of Mass for Shut Ins.
Don’t even get me started on the people who anonymously comment on internet news stories. I have actually sworn off reading comments on news stories of any kind. Continuing to do so was going to lead to a coronary or potentially heaving my computer monitor out the window - possibly both at the same time. These anonymous commenters are far more twisted than any Facebook Bitcher. No, this is a group of knuckle-dragging mouth breathers that deserves nothing more than to be a footnote in Darwin
1) They manage to be experts on nothing and everything at the same time.
2) They are incapable of reading an entire article from start to finish – most likely because a single news article is far longer than the pop-up books they are used to reading.
3) They complain like it’s a cure for something. No matter what the article is about they will find a way to complain about it. A single news article could announce that cures had been discovered for cancer, heart disease, MS, hunger and jock itch and these bozos would still rain on the parade. I once saw people complain about a new holiday! Honest to God – a freaking day off!!!
4) Their capacity for compassion is somewhat akin to that of Joseph Stalin.
5) Their spelling and grammar is, more often than not, completely atrocious.
6) They basically suck.
There was a story on the local newspaper’s website about the premier and his wife giving birth to their first child. The anonymous geniuses – and there were several of them – decided to post that, “their neighbour had recently given birth and THAT wasn’t reported in the paper, so why should the premier’s baby get news coverage”. Apparently the fact that their neighbour is NOT the leader of province or a public figure in any way, shape or form was completely lost on them. I would say most things are lost on these people – logic, common sense and life skills of any kind for example.
So the Facebookers that I picked on earlier, most of you will remain completely oblivious to the fact that you fall into one of the aforementioned categories. That’s not surprising. Go back to posting photos of your new toaster and telling us what time you’re planning to take your nap. And for you anonymous commenters who are probably seething with rage as you read this very paragraph, print out the following section of this page and comment ‘til your heart’s content.
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So please, by all means, point it out and do so with such sub-par spelling and grammar that I might believe the comment was written by a partially trained aardvark. Write those all down and then remember the words of the great Steve Martin in the film Planes, Trains and Automobiles, “Have a point! It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!” Well said Mr. Martin. Well said.
Where's the "like" button?
ReplyDeleteP.S. I was saying boo-urns.